How do you feel my friend?

Where do I start? I’ve been alienated from humanity as long as I can remember; feelings, that’s why. I’ve never been able to shove them down or turn them into something more acceptable to the masses. I tried to do what was expected of me, to be still, don’t cry, don’t be mad, just take it and move on. Don’t show any emotions, keep my opinions to myself, and accept EVERYTHING and EVERYONE, no matter the consequence to me. I have never been able to do this.

Others have shown disappointment in me when I have moved or vibrated out loud. Because of this, my expressions always came out bigger than life, and I’ve received the worst reflections, the most hating reflections, for what I am moving through.

Consequently, I mostly keep to myself. I don’t trust anyone, not even my own family, ESPECIALLY my own family. They’ve denied my emotional reality more than most. It seems that, the closer you are to me, the harder you try to control me.

STOP doing this to me, dammit! If you truly love me, then you love ALL of me and not just the parts you like because they are outwardly loving to everyone else! Fuck that!

There is very little acceptance in the world for emotions judged to be “bad” or “negative”. No one knows how to take responsibility for their emotions because of this. Everyone, from the original emergences on down, has denied themselves, and me as a result.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to teach you how to be real or how to love me or yourselves. I am sick and tired of doing that, dumbing myself down for all of you, when behind my back you are secretly hating me and wishing I would fall. You all wish I didn’t know what I know about you. You put me in this position, more than you know.

Every one of you thinks you know better than me over just about everything. You keep telling me to “focus on the positive”, and I hear you telling each other that too. How do you think the world got this way, hmm? Now there are ISLANDS of plastics in the oceans, polar ice caps melting, and you are all still doing the same things while telling yourselves you aren’t responsible for any of it! God I hate this, I hate being one of a small few in this world who actually get it.

I know that we are all impossibly involved in a drama that none of us here ever wanted to be involved in. But, saying you are not involved is not the true understanding. You don’t even know HOW you are all involved, but I know you can FEEL it somewhere inside of you.

Now, lets talk about something I like to call “Presentation”. When I was a child it was known as, “Looking your very best”, in every sense, in every place in life. We have all been taught to pretend that we love this world and that we want to be involved the way we are, that we love to work 40 hours a week for small gains, that we LOVE raising children and being left by our “other” for a younger and sexier version of ourselves, that we love to give 90% of our life and time to the “greater GOOD”, leaving out all the rest, like, how we HATE being on schedules, how our bodies are breaking down from pushing ourselves beyond their limits, by doing things we all won’t let ourselves notice that we actually HATE doing, by having sex with people we really don’t like, by doing what everyone else thinks we “should” do, until everyone is living in the land of “should”, “have to”, “just the way things are”, and “no choice”.

Are we happy yet? Has focusing on the positive worked out for any of you yet? Anyone? Are we living the lives we have always wanted with the lovers we always wanted to have? If any part, any voice of you on the inside says “no”, then the truth is, you aren’t. *sigh*

This is really hard for me. People in my life have said things like, “Why don’t you find a good distraction? Why don’t you just stop being so upset about everything?” Because I CAN’T. I just can’t. I can’t not feel. I can’t NOT feel the wrongness in all of this. My own body is changing form to express this with each and every emotion that comes up. Today my belly is HUGE with emotional backlog from being in your presence for too long, because you HATE what I bring, you HATE what I feel, what I think about YOU accepting everything, even the un-acceptable.

My only recourse is to get he hell away from all of you that deny me. I would rather be alone in the world than take in ANYTHING from you that tries to convince me to go against myself. This is what I have done in the past and have been taken down into death each and every time. I WON’T DO IT AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME??!! YOU can go down into death, but I am telling you now; this doesn’t work, and divine intervention is already happening, already stepping in to make these insane karmic cycles stop. NO MORE REINCARNATION. We have had enough time, ALL of time, to figure it out, and every time, none of you do, you just keep doing the same old thing even harder, and then you just give up saying, “oh well, better luck next time!”

This isn’t going to be allowed to go on anymore. We have ALL been given the reflections needed to understand this, but instead, many of you have refused to listen and are continuing to “look on the positive side”, the “light” side, and so, the darkness on Earth has grown until it has taken over, but you call it “them”, “they” or “you”, anyone but yourselves!

This will be the last time that I personally will utter these words to you; you have to stop denying yourselves and start believing in yourselves, even the parts you hate, ESPECIALLY those parts. Loving compassion needs to come in to that place that you are hating outside of you, and therefore, on the inside.

If you want to know why I am not taking anyone’s shit anymore, well, that should be obvious, but more than that; time is running out, for all of us. Acting outwardly isn’t going to heal this. Moving your emotional backlog is the only way, otherwise, Armageddon will come to you in the ways you have always been afraid of. Move the fear and it won’t have to be that way.

IndigoSong

http://indigosong.wordpress.com