Where do I start? I’ve been alienated from humanity as long as I can
remember; feelings, that’s why. I’ve never been able to shove them down
or turn them into something more acceptable to the masses. I tried to do
what was expected of me, to be still, don’t cry, don’t be mad, just
take it and move on. Don’t show any emotions, keep my opinions to
myself, and accept EVERYTHING and EVERYONE, no matter the consequence to
me. I have never been able to do this.
Others have shown disappointment in me when I have moved or vibrated
out loud. Because of this, my expressions always came out bigger than
life, and I’ve received the worst reflections, the most hating
reflections, for what I am moving through.
Consequently, I mostly keep to myself. I don’t trust anyone, not even
my own family, ESPECIALLY my own family. They’ve denied my emotional
reality more than most. It seems that, the closer you are to me, the
harder you try to control me.
STOP doing this to me, dammit! If you truly love me, then you love
ALL of me and not just the parts you like because they are outwardly
loving to everyone else! Fuck that!
There is very little acceptance in the world for emotions judged to
be “bad” or “negative”. No one knows how to take responsibility for
their emotions because of this. Everyone, from the original emergences
on down, has denied themselves, and me as a result.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to teach you how to be real or how
to love me or yourselves. I am sick and tired of doing that, dumbing
myself down for all of you, when behind my back you are secretly hating
me and wishing I would fall. You all wish I didn’t know what I know
about you. You put me in this position, more than you know.
Every one of you thinks you know better than me over just about
everything. You keep telling me to “focus on the positive”, and I hear
you telling each other that too. How do you think the world got this
way, hmm? Now there are ISLANDS of plastics in the oceans, polar ice
caps melting, and you are all still doing the same things while telling
yourselves you aren’t responsible for any of it! God I hate this, I hate
being one of a small few in this world who actually get it.
I know that we are all impossibly involved in a drama that none of us
here ever wanted to be involved in. But, saying you are not involved is
not the true understanding. You don’t even know HOW you are all
involved, but I know you can FEEL it somewhere inside of you.
Now, lets talk about something I like to call “Presentation”. When I
was a child it was known as, “Looking your very best”, in every sense,
in every place in life. We have all been taught to pretend that we love
this world and that we want to be involved the way we are, that we love
to work 40 hours a week for small gains, that we LOVE raising children
and being left by our “other” for a younger and sexier version of
ourselves, that we love to give 90% of our life and time to the “greater
GOOD”, leaving out all the rest, like, how we HATE being on schedules,
how our bodies are breaking down from pushing ourselves beyond their
limits, by doing things we all won’t let ourselves notice that we
actually HATE doing, by having sex with people we really don’t like, by
doing what everyone else thinks we “should” do, until everyone is living
in the land of “should”, “have to”, “just the way things are”, and “no
choice”.
Are we happy yet? Has focusing on the positive worked out for any of
you yet? Anyone? Are we living the lives we have always wanted with the
lovers we always wanted to have? If any part, any voice of you on the
inside says “no”, then the truth is, you aren’t. *sigh*
This is really hard for me. People in my life have said things like,
“Why don’t you find a good distraction? Why don’t you just stop being so
upset about everything?” Because I CAN’T. I just can’t. I can’t not
feel. I can’t NOT feel the wrongness in all of this. My own body is
changing form to express this with each and every emotion that comes up.
Today my belly is HUGE with emotional backlog from being in your
presence for too long, because you HATE what I bring, you HATE what I
feel, what I think about YOU accepting everything, even the
un-acceptable.
My only recourse is to get he hell away from all of you that deny me.
I would rather be alone in the world than take in ANYTHING from you
that tries to convince me to go against myself. This is what I have done
in the past and have been taken down into death each and every time. I
WON’T DO IT AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME??!! YOU can go down into death, but I
am telling you now; this doesn’t work, and divine intervention is
already happening, already stepping in to make these insane karmic
cycles stop. NO MORE REINCARNATION. We have had enough time, ALL of
time, to figure it out, and every time, none of you do, you just keep
doing the same old thing even harder, and then you just give up saying,
“oh well, better luck next time!”
This isn’t going to be allowed to go on anymore. We have ALL been
given the reflections needed to understand this, but instead, many of
you have refused to listen and are continuing to “look on the positive
side”, the “light” side, and so, the darkness on Earth has grown until
it has taken over, but you call it “them”, “they” or “you”, anyone but
yourselves!
This will be the last time that I personally will utter these words
to you; you have to stop denying yourselves and start believing in
yourselves, even the parts you hate, ESPECIALLY those parts. Loving
compassion needs to come in to that place that you are hating outside of
you, and therefore, on the inside.
If you want to know why I am not taking anyone’s shit anymore, well,
that should be obvious, but more than that; time is running out, for all
of us. Acting outwardly isn’t going to heal this. Moving your emotional
backlog is the only way, otherwise, Armageddon will come to you in the
ways you have always been afraid of. Move the fear and it won’t have to
be that way.
IndigoSong
http://indigosong.wordpress.com
http://indigosong.wordpress.com
